dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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