If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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