Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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