I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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