Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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