True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
