remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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