There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
