Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
