dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize