you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
