Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Let's get the cat blown out
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
