Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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