don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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