The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
