just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
