And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
