is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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