Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
