How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize