yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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