i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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