she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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