Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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