so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
