Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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