I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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