do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
