Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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