I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
