I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
