I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
