**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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