My nipple is on Facebook.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
