I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
