Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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