two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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