like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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