I'm sorry my penis didn't work
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
