There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
