Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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