Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
