You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
