Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
