So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
