Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
