Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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