you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
