We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize