he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
