Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
