Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
