Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
