Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
