remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
