I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
