Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
