i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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