I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
