I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
